Confessions of an Overweight Woman!

Folks I've had some set backs.

Since my last entry my lowest weight has been 238 which would be 23 pounds down but my weight today, a couple of weeks later, is 244. UGH. I haven't written in a while for fear of disappointing all of my readers as much as I've disappointed myself, but that's not the right attitude. I promised to be raw from the beginning and I guess I have to repeatedly remind myself of that. I never promised to be perfect and not every step of a journey is on bright green, fluffy grass. This is the muck of weight loss for me. If it were easy I would have dropped it years ago never to be at this weight again. But it is hard.

I've been stressed. Financial worries have crept back into my life. Work is insanely busy. The commute is killing me. The precious baby of mine is now in full swing terrible twos. The list could go on. In an effort to build our savings back up after the lay offs, we've made some tough decisions and sacrifices, one of which being my beloved TNT. I look around the gym when I'm at TNT and I honestly don't think anyone else is getting the weight training workout that we're getting. Our trainers keep us moving, motivated and moaning! It's killing me to give it up. On one hand I'm thinking I can do this on my own. I recently purchased P90X for my husband, who has been doing Atkins for the last three or four weeks and is already down 14 - but that could be a bitch fest all on its own... I'm going to do P90X with him to take the place of TNT but I have my doubts it will work for me. The food thing in our house is tough because I'm the shopper - I'm being supportive of the Atkins regimen but I'm all confused. I think I'm eating more high protein meals and snacks that are naturally higher in calories, which has been the crucial factor for me and the BodyBugg. Then on the other hand I feel like money is a terrible reason to drop something that you know is working for you. I'm so literally afraid that I'm going to go backwards now. TNT officially ends for me 7/30.

The stress and insane workload has been causing me to "treat" myself to more and more calories a day. More and more little chats are being lost in my head to soothe the pain and stress with comforting food. Yikes I'm sliding and I can feel it. Where's the control? Where's the discipline? What does it say about me that I can slip so easily? I've been on this journey since October of last year and on the BodyBugg since February. I feel like I have nothing to show for it and that I've been fooling myself yet again into thinking that I'm doing great. I can in fact notice a change in my body. I know that - but its time to notice a change on that scale.

Now I'm supposed to flip it right - flip that switch to positive again. Ok so here are a few positive things.

1. I've promised myself to only sit out one 13-week session of TNT. So I MUST save pennies - whatever it takes to rejoin for the winter session.

2. I went into my BodyBugg profile and reset my weight and my goals to lose 50 pounds by 10/30 breaking the 200 mark. This means that every day I have to burn 3000 calories, only consume 2000 so there's a 1000 calorie deficit.

3. I'm still training for that 1/2 marathon in October so I'm going to add a morning run EVERY day even if it's just 30 minutes. This should rev my calorie burn quite a bit.

4. I'm going to do one hour of cardio at least five days a week in addition to the morning run.

5. I'm going to try P90X with an open mind and see if I like it - see if it works.

6. I'm going to fill out my food journal as I go all day long rather than wait until right before bed.

7. I'm going to try new low-fat, low-carb recipes to get me excited about cooking healthy again.

These are promises to myself.... not you guys, not my husband or anyone else. I have to do this for myself!!! I'm in no mood right now for my chipper, completely positive sign off so I'm going to sign off hopeful, naturally frustrated and in the process of forgiving myself! Until next time.... Nik